It’s 6:30 a.m. and you’re tightening your chest. Antacids do not help. Your jaw tightens and your hands go numb. A heart attack? Or is it an irrational reaction to a new zit? In either case, aspirin can help.

From heart attacks to the park to the bathroom, aspirin has many uses beyond pain relief. Some of these I’ve tried, some I should try but haven’t, and some I hope I never will. It is up to you, the reader, to judge which is which.

Step 1: Reduce heart attacks

If you’re having a mild heart attack, take an aspirin and call 911. (or your local emergency number).

Aspirin has anti-clotting properties and inhibits platelet function. You know, hang out together in big groups, fight, and cause thrombosis. It’s perfect when you’re on the brink of death from an unplanned heart attack.

According to the American Journal of Cardiology, chewing aspirin works faster than washing the drug down with a cold glass of water. So that’s good to know. Especially if you have less plaque than the veins of a man over 50.

Step 2: Remove sweat stains

Sure, the hem of that undershirt looks good, but the underarms are yellow, like they’re processing uranium for a nuclear weapons program. Thick. Aluminum salts in most antiperspirants mix with sweat and often cause waterproof stains. The salicylic acid in aspirin creates a nice anti-yellowing compound that can remove sweat stains.

Crush enough tablets to cover the desired sweat spot and mix with water. Leave it on for a few minutes and then rinse it off. Wash as usual. This treatment is good for removing any protein-based stains, so take it out when your shirt nose bleeds a little or you’ve dripped egg yolk on your pants from too much ease.

Note: pound for pound, this is an expensive way to remove sweat stains (compared to lemon juice, enzymatic meat tenderizers, or vinegar), but if you’re surprised by a serious stain on your skin, it’s worth considering. a random hotel room that stocks aspirin, not meat tenderizer, in the lobby gift shop.

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